My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
