Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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