next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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