I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
