I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize