Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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