Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Randomize
