Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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