last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
