I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
