Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
we're so committed to being not committed
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
please don't ironically join a cult
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