i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
