I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
North Korea, Best Korea!
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Randomize
