My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
