Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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