U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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