Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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