dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
