Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
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