They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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