I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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