ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
