You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
