Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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