My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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