I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
