it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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