somebody snuck up and got me drunk
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
