I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
