Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
