I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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