my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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