FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
