Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
