he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
