I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
