I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
