Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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