Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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