Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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