i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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