Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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