We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
