He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
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