Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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