I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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