It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize
