Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
YAS. BRING CRAB.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
