Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
