I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She swung at the pinata with crutches
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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