whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
