party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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