sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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