The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
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He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You're like the curious george of whores
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
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Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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