"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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