Did I show you my penis last night?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
