So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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