Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
