dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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