Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
porn star boner night. come get it.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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