sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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