We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
