So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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