Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
